#THISLAZYLIFE

I am lazy, like, 100% lazy.  It is impressive really. I thought I should share my gift with the world so I am writing a laughable parenting book titled #THISLAZYLIFE

Excerpt:

We say the word lazy and it has negative connotation.  Some would call what I do ‘efficient’, but its not for me, it is pure lazy. I am proud to be lazy! I get things accomplished, my house is clean, my children are cared for, dinner is cooked, but I have accomplished all that in the most lazy ways possible.

Baby Bag of Tricks

Exercise and Intimacy

At the top of my lazy mothering ‘babybag of tricks’ is my baby carrier. Literally. It is always at the top of my baby bag.  It never gets put away long enough for it to sink to the seemingly bottomless, full of crumbs bag that I lug around with me every day.

Exercise

#aintnobdygottimeforthat  I am a busy mom who is already cooking and cleaning and keeping tiny humans alive.

Vacuuming for 30 minutes burns about 100 calories, the same amount you’d burn in 15 minutes of kick boxing. I vacuum every day with an extra 20lbs worth of baby on my back. How many extra calories I burn?  Nearly 50!  I’ll take another cupcake please!! Gluten and guilt free.

Through the transitive property of calories, vacuuming equals 100 calories burned and kickboxing equals 100 calories burned, ergo, vacuuming equals kickboxing. I don’t vacuum, I kickbox, making my yoga pant attire more appropriate.

Intimacy

Keeping the romance alive in your relationship is hard when you have little ones needing constant attention.  Picture this: Your husband giving you a rest day from the ‘kickboxing’ and is vacuuming the living room with his added calorie burner on his back.

Ladies.  Your man.  Vacuuming.  While babywearing!  100% sexy, it’s like Chippendales in your own living room.

(Since I want to be taken seriously as a writer I just did some in depth research on the Chippendales website.  I love my job.)

This leads me into the other awesome of babywearing.  Little babies can’t help it. THEY FALL ASLEEP.  Industry secret: When backpacks and slings are in production the makers put magic sleepy dust into the fabrics.  Other theories suggest that it isn’t sleepy dust at all, but instead the motions of babywearing simulates being in the womb.  I call hooey.  It’s sleepy dust.

While your man has been strutting his stuff for your own personal entertainment, I mean cleaning the floor, he has lulled your little ‘mood killer’ to sleep giving you much needed time alone. Brown chicken.  Brown cow.

 

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